I Know I Vowed To Be Steel

Tuesday 22nd April  2014


You cripple me with 
Bullets and I kneel at your
Feet; begging you to 
Forgive the scarlet paint on 
Your once-alabaster walls. 

I Painted You On Existence But You Faded Away 

I’ll see you on Tuesday

You whispered in the phone and
Your silky voice seeped
In the open, pulsing pores
Of my wrinkled skin;
And it stretched like a 
Petal in full bloom-
I would get the chance to 
Paint you clearer, sharper in my head.

I hummed and got drunk on the faith
I had in burrying myself in your arms;
Time raced by and not seeing you yet,
I begged him to wait for you, certain you would
Appear before my death 
like a knight wrapped in sanative leaves;
But he pushed my pleas away so I ran out
On the cold, doorsteps of my
Chimerical house, and searched you thirstily
Down the road, my heart roaring to life
But as the sky darkened, I wondered 
If your shadow would still shade me 
From the threatening  darkness; 
Seconds ticked by and mocked me for waiting,
Freezing in the cold;
Searching you in the stars, straining to 
Hear you in the rustling trees; tasting you
In the rosy chill of the air…but you were not there.
And you did not come.

I’ll see you on Tuesday

I must have imagined you would
Be there. I must have dreamt your
Voice reached out to me over the
Hundred galaxies between us; I 
Must have been burning up with 
Irrational madness- craving you like
An alcoholic craves numbness;
Like Beethoven yearned to hear the
Gentle chords that silence stroked in
His air. And so I turned back, 
With my heart at my feet and my fists
Closed in rock-hard anger and rage.

But when I tried to go back inside the house
It had turned into a frozen pit instead and
I tried to step back from the edge but
I could not stop myself from falling;
Slipping down the edges, I screamed
Your name as fear molded my rage into
A cushion of yearning and pain 
Which still could not save me from
Crashing on the ground and shattering
Into tiny pieces of despondent hope. 

I can’t wait

I said with giddiness,
So you dug a hole inside me
And perenially filled it
With your absence instead.
And not seeing you on Tuesday,
I conjured you in my head.
But you tasted chalky in my dreams-
You were a ghost I couldn’t
Hold on to and I fell back in tears.

Inspired by this:

Haywire Strings

Monday 21st April 2014

Form: 10W



Saturday 19th April 2014

I load my gun. I
Fire at the stars. I
Watch them tumble down. I
Shoot more and more. I
Love how the sky darkens. I
Have the power to kill light. I
Am invisble in my darkness. I
Will kill all the stars.

You try to stop me. You
Pull at my gun. You
Wrestle it out of my hands. You
Point it at me instead. You
Shoot me in the head. You
Watch me bleed to death. You
Scream when I come back. You
Do not understand how. You
Can’t see the lifelessness in me. You
Drop the gun and run away. 

They see me murdering stars. They
See your footsteps in the snow. They
See the painting of my blood. They
Stay far away from me. They
Call for the police. They
Try covering the sky. They
Fall under the blanket of their lies. They
Realize who I am. They
Scramble to get away. They
Now understand why you left. They
Never make it before- 

Turn my gun at them and I
Lodge bullets in their flesh and You
Stab me in my back. You
Burn me with your hatred. They
Elevate you with admiration. I
Am the nightmare you’all escaped. 

You Tied  A Rope Around My Neck And Called It “Attachment”

Friday 18th April 2014

On the way back from school,
I looked for you in the clouds but
I could not find you. I could not hear
Your laugh. Nor could I see your smile.
And I screamed for you, 
But I heard nothing; nothing but the 
Fractures which cracked my heart apart
As the wind howled in my ears. 

And only then did I understand the truth
About you; my pain; your absence- all.
You dug a hole in ly chest, and filled it with
Your remains; your disintegrating bones; 
Knowing that I would be left to contemplate
Your skeleton once you were gone. 

And now I understand that your absence
Hurts me not because I held on too much,
Not because of my brimming love,
Not because you were the beat of my heart,
But simply because you killed me. 
And I was too stupid to realize you were doing so
Until I was already buried in this grave- 
With your numerous ghosts.

You tied a rope around my neck,
Secured it harshly with your hands
And you never did let go; you only
Held it tighter between yur fingers because
You knew that as long the rope was there,
I’d never be free of you. 

You tied a rope around my neck
And called it “attachment” because 
You knew that no matter where you went,
I’d follow if it meant being a little bit closer
To you; always you.
I was your dog and you put me on a leash
And you pulled away, harder, harder;
And you knew that with whole realms,
Oceans, between us, I’d never be able to
Follow you; And I’d never be able to cut the rope
With my hands tied back behind me.
So you took one more step back,
And then one more and the noose around my
Neck became an iron necklace instead and
Every step you took made it 
Strangle me a little more. I couldnt even shout for help.
I was at your inexistent mercy.

You tied arope around my neck and
You pulled until I suffocated and
Could only collapse limply, to the ground
My whole body falling apart.
And I do not miss you because
I was never attached to you;
Your absence only kills me a little more
Ever day, second, minute, 
Because you cruelly strangled me
And kept moving back, pulling me along.