I Couldn’t Say It

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23 years since you uttered
Vows that fail to encapsulate
All your shortcomings.
23 years since two damaged
Souls interlocked and formed
A broken whole.
23 years since your God-inspired union
Produced three naturally God-hating
Plants who had to be tended again
By the Creator Himself in order to grow.
23 years since you bore each other’s burdens
And broke each other’s backbones.
23 years of silent endurance, misunderstandings,
Subtle violence, rage, rejection, pain….
23 years of love and God’s mercy that surmounted
The adversary’s disuniting ploys.
But you still werent left unscathed.
23 years of scars. Still livid today. Still bleeding and burning
But you smiled and kissed and
Ate cake and drank your champagne.
Surrounded by your kid who hadn’t seen the worst,
Wasn’t traumatized and scared of Marriage;
And by the one who hadn’t seen the worst
But knew enough to last her a lifetime.

Today, you celebrate.
Today, I do too.
Things could have been worse after all.
But even as your oblivious kid
Wishes you a happy anniversary,
The words stick in my throat-
They won’t come out.
I really tried to congratulate you,
But in doing so, I knew I would be
Seeing your union as endurance
And not just love.

So I didn’t say anything.
I’m sorry.

Some things sound truer, never said.

Not A Eulogy

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Shock. Thunder in my chest.
We too often think death is
A prank until the second
When it’s our turn to throw
The clump of sand on a wooden box.

The birds are lining the electric wires
Held taught in some places,
Loose in others.
Trampled little blue flowers
Beneath my feet scream
In protest of being buried by my soles.
And you,
You now under my feet
And me not knowing how it happened.
You gone,
And me wondering how it is that yesterday
You were looking at those same birds
Perched on these loose electric wires
And now,
Now they looked at you as
You were lowered in the ground.
Eyes closed,
Chest stubbornly stoic.

A large, deadly wound
In the stomach, they said.
A surgical operation
That death prevented.
Lethal pains that took you away.
And now I stare
At the birds and wonder why
You won’t ever hear their chirps anymore.

I try to recall how long it’s been
Since I saw your large, plastic smile
And heard your empty, warm laugh.
You dug holes around you and
Poisoned your arrows before
Letting them loose in the sky.
They sailed past the sky above me,
Past the birds and possibly
Came back to pierce your guts.

I wish I could
Maybe spill one single tear,
But I have nothing to give Sorrow:
That blind, destructive beggar.
So I turn away from him,
Sigh deeply and close the door in his face.

You are gone now,
But I have hope of dawn.
And I have hope that with my last breath,
My sisters will hold each other
And wipe each other’s tears before these
Spill down their cheeks.
That neither of them will
Be eaten by regret of things that
They could, would, should have done but
Can do no more.
And I have hope in the Lord- that He may
Protect me from being darkness
Instead of light.

I should really be crying now.
But the reality of your death did not
Detonate a real tsunami in my core.
There is only the somberness and removed
Sympathy that comes with disbelief,
With not knowing who you really were
Because of all the different masks you wore.

Tomorrow the birds will chirp on the
Same electric wires over your house,
And there will be no one to curse them
Anymore, or send them away-
Only the remnants of a menacing woman
That could have lived better.

Because I Loved You So Much More

Because I loved you so much more
Than should have been the norm,
You lit a match inside my core,
Blew in my veins a storm.

It irked you that I loved you so,
You found me cumbersome.
And angry that you would not show
A need to hear me strum,

I broke my heart’s guitar strings,
And vowed to stay away.
I would not be the snow that clings
To the sun’s heated ray.

I left without saying goodbye,
You did not call me back.
My love you did putrefy
But it would not grow black.

“Adieu. I will burn you to dust.”
I whispered in your dream.
And I filled my heart with dark frost,
To kill your glowing beam.

Odium’s plant flowered in my soul;
I watered it with you.
“Hatred will burn in you a hole,”
You warned, and the plant grew.

One day you’ll walk amidst the land
Where death roams day and night.
And there you’ll find my firebrand-
The love which was your blight.

I Hunger For You

“Mais regarde la. Elle est tout pour moi.”

These words
Etched in my brain-
Stick together, collide against
Every other thought; burn my
Sanity to shreds. Rekindle
The cold embers of hope.
Set. Me. Aflame.

To think that one day
He will love me.
Hold me. Kiss me insane.
Say I’m his nocturnal sunshine.
His roots. His shade. His
Peace of mind.

“I love you.” I whisper, heart
Beating in exhilaration. The thrill
Of you roars in my veins.
Years before we know
When and how to utter
Such a sacred truth.
Years before I’ve bloomed
And no more need your fingers
To spread open my petals.
Years before I don’t have
To close my eyes,
-Spend hours conjuring
You in my mind,
So you might appear in my dreams-
In order to fall in the
Abysmal chasms that your eyes are.

May God lead you to me,
Lover. My bones are ravaged
With fiery tremors, my skin
Is red with heat. Patience has
Never been my forte.

Idealist Forevers

I have a wonderful news to share with all of you! The short story I wrote, Carved In Ice, was shortlisted for Almond Press’ (http://www.almondpress.co.uk/) soon to be published collection, Broken Worlds. You will not regret ordering your copies! :)


Tanka

It took me a long                 

Time to realize that you would    

 Not last more than you              

 Were meant to ’cause Forever

  Is an undefined Period. 


Dear Chick-A/Aa/Aaaaurgh!

Da-duh 
Da-duh
Da-duh
—da-duh!

Blabla
BliiBlii
Blooubleeda! 

Aha 
Aha
Aha ha ha
Bada bada bada bada 
Boumbeeda! 

Ha. Ha. 
——-//Ha/A
—————Aah
———–/——-/Aaah
——///——–/////—–Aaaarh…
ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

There is no way to say this,
Dear chicken. 
Your:
Aurgh!
 Aurgh!
 aurgh!
Will always be howls of joy
To the farmer fattening you up
For the kill. 

Heart Of Diamond, Heart Of Carbon

Terzanelle

There is a Shatterer knocking on your door. 
No Heart, I’m warning you, don’t open it! 
He’ll break you and you’ll  never leave the floor. 

His tongue is a pouch of dynamite, 
And there’s a hammer in his hand- 
No Heart, I’m warning you, don’t open it. 

But you act deaf; you open the door and 
Thrust your faith in him like a quixotic fool… 
And there’s a hammer in his hand! 

He swings at you and you can’t escape his tool:
Your bones snap and you regret that you 
Thrust your faith in him like a quixotic fool.

You explode in a shower of filthy dew; 
And you shatter ’cause you had no shield.
Your bones snap and you regret that you 

Were made of glass that can’t be annealed;
And you shatter ’cause you had no shield.
There is a Shatterer knocking on your door. 
He’ll break you and you’ll  never leave the floor.